


In Control

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, i can explain, ok it's really not as angsty as it seems, really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-17 00:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14177058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The war of the wizarding world didn't start in Ginny's first year, but the war inside of her did.It appeared in thin red lines, carved over her stomach and thighs.Weak, they said,defenseless.Most of them healed into small pink scratches, but the angriest never left her skin.





	In Control

**Author's Note:**

> Please read tags!

_Year 1_

The war of the wizarding world didn't start in Ginny's first year, but the war inside of her did.

It appeared in thin red lines carved over her stomach and thighs.

 _Weak_ , they said, _defenseless._

Most of them healed into small pink scratches, but the angriest never left her skin.

_Year 2_

Ginny tried to identify her feelings.

But it was hard. The origin of her hate was simply impossible to pinpoint, slippery as her memories. It is difficult to place anger and sorrow, let alone loathing.

She felt dirty. She could feel the shivering cold of Riddle's fingers mocking her, tracing over her skin. The pain of a knife biting into her flesh made her feel something else. It cleared away the memories and ghosts of fingertips from her skin, leaving only her, cool metal, and crimson blood behind. It soothed her, gave her something solid to grasp onto. It satisfied her, letting her believe she deserved it after being so careless, hurting so many people, allowing herself to be used and possessed.

She became addicted, and cutting became routine. 

_Year 3_

People asked her if she was okay. _Yes_ , she replied, always, with a sunny smile. _Fake_ , her eyes screamed. But her brothers, her parents, her teachers, her friends believed her. She retreated farther into the shadows of her mind.

 _Ugly,_ the mirror taunted.

 _Stupid,_ her grades cackled.

 _Fat,_ the scale whispered.

 _Be better. Work harder. Eat less,_ a voice ordered her.

 _Okay,_ said another.

Nothing and no one tried to stop her.

She hid the dark circles under her eyes with makeup, covered and colored and changed her face and hair until she could hardly recognize herself. She hid her quickly multiplying scars and the way her ribs stuck out under her flowing school robes and the words _I already ate_. Her grades went up as her sleep went down.

She congratulated herself for coming so far. For the first time, she felt in total control of herself.

She watched Cho Chang as she danced at the Yule Ball, _so graceful, so fluid, so beautiful,_ and promised herself to try _more_.

Jealousy crawled up her throat but she swallowed it down. _Someone like me cannot love._

_Year 4_

Despite all the swirling chaos and confusion surrounding Cedric Diggory's death and the reappearance of You-Know-Who, Ginny found a source of relief and comfort, in the form of honey skin and midnight eyes.

Cho Chang saw through Ginny's masks and kept a watchful eye over her, dishing small amounts of food onto her plate and making sure she slept.

Eventually, Ginny started smiling again. Cho took her to the Three Broomsticks and held her hand under the table. Their first kiss was shy and sweet and tasted like vanilla and Butterbeer, shared in a private corner of the busy pub over chips and hot drinks.

Ginny went clean for over twelve months, finally finding something else to make her feel alive.

(Cho and her moonlight kisses.)

_Year 5_

Ginny got through the summer, owls from Cho and the promise of seeing her again come fall keeping her safe.

They kissed on the train, and it was perfect.

The world outside of them, however, had turned dark and untrustworthy, full of mystery and fear. Ginny constantly teetered on the edge of something dark.

Time and time again, Ginny would tip into her old habits, hand brushing against her knife, stomach growling discontentedly at the sight of food, mind racing needlessly in the middle of the night, but the thought of Cho pulled her back each and every instance.

But then, Dumbledore was killed.

And Cho disappeared.

The voices in Ginny's head returned with a vengeance.

 _You couldn't save her_ , they hissed. _She saved you but now she's lost, and you can't help her. Disgraceful. Pitiful. Worthless._

Ginny's grip on the knife turned firm.

_Year 6_

Life tumbled into mayhem, and so did Ginny.

This time, Ginny didn't try to hide the shadows under her eyes. She used her blood as paint to decorate the walls of Hogwarts in words and slogans, warning the world that good would always win. It was red and glistening, stark against the dull stone of the hallways.

 _Just like first year_ , she realized, and the thought sent waves of self-loathing crashing over her once again.

_Where are you, Cho?_

_Year 7, the year after the Battle of Hogwarts_

Ginny and Cho found each other, and they cried. Ginny clung to Cho like nothing mattered, and Cho held the other's face, kissed her like everything mattered.

Ginny didn't go back to Hogwarts.

Instead, she and Cho ran away to America, where the war felt far behind them, and rented a little Muggle apartment right on the coast.

Ginny still shook at night, and Cho still held her.

Her knife remained in Europe, and she had tried to leave her worries too, but fear still lingered. It always would.

_2 years after the Battle of Hogwarts_

Ginny ate enough. Cho beamed whenever she cleared a plate.

Ginny slept enough. Cho would wake up early to watch her beloved sleep peacefully, smile soft.

Ginny visited her family. Cho glowed with pride when Ginny introduced her as _her girlfriend_.

But she still hid herself behind too much concealer and loose clothing. Cho's heart hurt.

 _Come to the ocean with me_ , Cho asked her, but Ginny folded her arms across her stomach and shook her head slightly, biting her lip.

Cho frowned, but never pushed.

 _Ugly_ , the voices, just echoes of their old selves, but there nonetheless, muttered. _Fat._

 _Beautiful_ , Cho would breathe, as if she could hear those wicked thoughts. _Gorgeous._

_Perfect._

Ginny almost believed her.

_3 years after the Battle of Hogwarts_

_It's time_ , Ginny thought. _Three years is time enough._

Ginny twisted her hair into a messy braid and left her face bare. She slipped into the green bikini Cho had bought her three years ago, looked at herself in the mirror, and, for the first time in too long, felt in control.

 _You are strong_ , she told herself. _And strong is good._

Cho called out that she was leaving for the beach, and Ginny hurried out into the hall.

 _I'm ready_ , she said, and Cho's smile lit up the world.

Ginny wore the swimsuit Cho had bought her, the one that showed her scars. Cho kissed them, and Ginny knew she was beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are loved and cherished forever! I hope everything is okay and you're amazing.


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